Death Has a Shadow

[Cheery instrumental music]
The Griffin family is watching The Brady Bunch in their living room
On the TV:
Jan: Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.
Mike: Greg, were you smoking cigarettes?
Greg: No, Dad.
Mike looks at Carol
Mike: Well, he's lying. There's no doubt about that.
Looks back at Greg
Mike: Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be four hours in the snakepit.
Mike pushes a button and the floor in front of them opens up.
Mike: Now maybe that'll give you some time to think about what you've done.
Greg: Aw, man!
Greg jumps into the snakepit

Jan: That'll teach him.
Mike walks over to a metal door
Mike: And Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire... for tattling on your brother.
Cuts back to the family
Lois (sounding disgusted): Ugh, smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong?
Peter: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian: The Bradys?
Peter Aw, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it.
A woman pops up in front of the Griffins' window
Woman: You folks want some pancakes?
Peter: No, thank you. See, that's the worst we got is, uh, Jemima's Witnesses.
Theme Song
Cuts to Chris, Lois, Stewie, and Meg in the kitchen
Meg: Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections?
Lois: Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image.
Cuts away to DAS Gym
[polka music playing in the gym]
It shows Hitler struggling to lift barbells.
Hitler hears laughing and looks over to see a body building Jewish man being held onto by both arms by two hot women.
Hitler (pissed): ***growls***
Cut scene ends.
Shows Stewie in the kitchen, working on an invention.
Stewie: Excellent! The mind-control device is nearing completion!
Lois: Stewie, I said no toys at the table.
Lois takes the mind-control device out of Stewie's hands.
Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Lois: Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born... the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he's ever seen.
Stewie: But, of course, that was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans... to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille! Return the device, woman!
Lois: No toys, Stewie.
Lois takes the mind-control device away from Stewie and places it in a cupboard.
Stewie: Very well, then. Mark my words: when you least expect it, you uppance will come!
[suspenseful instrumental music]
Meg: Mom, can I turn the heat up?
Lois: Oh, don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.
Meg: Come on. This thing goes up to 90.
Meg turns up the heat for the thermostat up to 65 degrees
Peter bursts into the kitchen
Peter: Who touched the thermostat?
Meg: God, how does he always know?
Peter: Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the children are messing with the dial.
A man bursts into the kitchen from the outside door.
Random Guy #1: Hey Peter, my thing went off! Your thermostat okay?
Peter: Yeah, it's all right.
Random Guy #2: Hey, is my kid over here?
Random Guy #1: Yeah, forget it! False alarm!
A third guy's head pops up behind the first two guys' heads
Cuts back to Peter, blocking part of the doorway where Brian walks in.
Brian: Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?
Lois: He's going to a stag party.
Peter: Now Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house. And as the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party.
Lois: Look, at least promise me you won't drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble.
Peter: Come on. You're worrying about nothing.
Lois: Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church?
Cuts away to a priest giving a sermon
Priest: And so the Lord God smote poor Job... with festering boils all over his body.
God: Oh man, I hate it when he tells this story.
Shows Peter taking a sip of wine while the priest is talking in the background.
Priest: Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity.
Peter: ***coughs*** Whoa, is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes.
Peter: Man, that guy must have been wasted 24 hours a day.
Cut scene ends
Lois: And then there was that time at the ice cream store.
Cuts to an ice cream shop where Peter is staring at his ice cream cone.
Peter: Oh, Butter Rum's my favorite.
Peter takes a lick of his ice cream. Peter passes out, falling face first into a table and breaking it.
Cut scene ends
Brian: And remember when you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?
Cuts away to everyone in a movie theatre
[Audience crying]
Peter is staring deeply into the movie screen
Peter: I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch.
Tom Hanks' character: I have AIDS.
Peter: ***laughing hysterically*** ta ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Cut scene ends
Lois: Promise me, Peter.
Peter: Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight.
Cuts to the party.
Quagmire: Hey, who wants to play "Drink The Beer"?
Peter: Right here.
Peter drinks the beer.
Quagmire: You win.
Peter: All right. What do I win?
Quagmire: Another beer!
Peter: Oh, I'm going for the high score.
Quagmire: Well actually, Charlie's got the high score.
Shows a drunk guy taking a leak in the grandfather clock
Charlie: Hey, man. Your clock won't flush.
Goes back to Peter talking with his friends
Peter: Heh. You know, I feel kind of bad, you guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.
Quagmire: Oh, don't feel bad, Peter.
Peter: Oh, gee. I never thought of it like that.
Random Perv: Hey, did you bring the porno?
Peter: Did I bring the porno huh?
Peter pulls out a movie labeled "Assablanca".
Peter: You're gonna love it. It's a classic.
Shows the guys watching the movie on the couch
On the movie:
Rick: Listen to me, Ilsa. If I take this thing out... and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life.
Cuts back to the guys
Peter: Oh, come on, Ilsa! Get on!
Cuts back to the movie
[Funky music playing]
Ilsa smiles and begins taking off all her clothes.
The movie is interrupted and the Statue of Liberty appears on the screen.
Movie Narrator: The statue was originally a gift from France.
Cuts back to the guys
Charlie: What is this?
Peter: Oh, man. My kid must've taped over this for history class.
[Groans]
Random Perv: The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do?
Peter: Boys, boys, we're gonna drink until she's hot.
Quagmire: Hey, that's just crazy enough to work.
Everyone begins downing their beers.
Cuts to Lois pouring coffee the next morning.
Lois: Meg, finish your pancakes.
Shows the whole kitchen with Peter hung over and laying on the table.
Lois: Chris, elbows off your father.
Peter: Thanks, son.
Lois: 37 beers. You're setting a great example for the kids, Peter.
Chris: Yeah. A new family record. Way to raise the bar, dad.
Lois: Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that.
Peter: Now kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
Lois: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag... oh ***laughs*** I almost walked right into that one. Oh, God!
Peter puts his hands up to his head.
Peter: It feels like there's accountants are cranking adding machines in my head.
Cuts to inside Peter's head with two accountants.
[Machines whirring]
Paul: Dick, you ever wonder what's outside those walls?
Dick: Say now, that's dangerous thinking, Paul. You best stick to your work.
Paul: ***quick laugh*** Okay.
Cuts back to Peter on the table.
Lois: You see, Peter? A hangover is nature's way of telling you I was right. I mean...
Lois's chair breaks and she falls to the ground.
Meg: Mom, are you all right?
Lois: My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck.
Stewie: Damn!
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Peter: Look, honey. I took a cab home, I slept on the table so I wouldn't wake you up. Nothing bad happened.
Lois: Well, I... I guess you're right.
Peter: Apology accepted. All right, I'm going to work. Somebody's gotta put food on this table.
Peter falls off the table, making all the food on top of him also fall off the table.
Cuts to Happy Go-Lucky Toys, Inc.
Mr Weed.: How are you coming Johnson?
Johnson: Well Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line. And as you can see, they look great.
Shows a close up of a Jewish man action figure in a military uniform holding a gun and a bagel.
G.I. Jew'"': You call these bagels?
Johnson: Whoa! I'm glad he's on our side!
Cuts to Peter sleeping at the assembly line.
[Snoring]
Mr. Weed: Peter!
Peter: What?!
Mr. Weed: Are you sleeping on the job?
Peter: ***staggering*** No. There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him.
Mr. Weed: Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It's your job to watch for any toys that could be hazardous to children. Now look sharp!
Peter: Yes, sir!
Mr. Weed walks away and Peter falls back asleep.
[Snoring]
Knives, gasoline, and razors start passing by Peter in the assembly line.
Cuts to the Quahog 5 news
Diane Simmons: And now Back to Action 5 News. Our top story tonight, "When Toys Attack." Quite a situation we've got here, Tom.
Tom Tucker: Quite a situation we've got here, Tom, indeed, Diane. It seems the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company of Quahog, Rhode Island has released several highly unsafe products into the retail market.
Cuts to a kid playing playing baseball who's up to bat.
Batter: Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball!
An axe flies into the center of the bat being held.
Cuts to a boy shaking a box that says "Pound Poochies"
Boy: Oh boy! A Pound Poochie!
The bottom of the box opens and painkillers spill everywhere.
Cuts to a girl holding a doll.
Girl: Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out.
The girl squeezes the doll and flames rocket out of the doll's mouth.
Cut scene ends showing Mr. Weed turning off the television.
Mr. Weed: Peter, I am appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired!
Peter: Aw, jeez. For how long?
Cuts to the Griffin house.
[Sad instrumental music]
Meg: Oh my God! You got fired?
Chris: Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine!
Stewie: How do you know about the machine?
Peter: Now don't worry, kids. Your father's still gonna put food on this table. Just not as much. So it might get a little competitive.
Meg: Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections!
Brian: Hey, uh, Peter, can we put her out in the yard for a while?
Lois: Okay, who's hungry?
Peter: Oh, jeez. How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame me!
A small devil of Peter pops up on Peter's right shoulder.
Peter's Devil: Lie to her. It's okay to lie to women. They're not people like us.
Peter: Oh, I don't know.
Peter looks to his left shoulder.
Peter: Hey, where's the other guy?
Cuts to a traffic jam in the sky.
Peter's Angel: Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work.
The angel starts drinking his coffee and spills it everywhere on his chest.
Peter's Angel: Oh, this perfect!
Cuts back to Peter talking to the kids.
Peter: Look, I don't want your mom to worry, all right? When she worries, she says, "I told you so" and, "Stop doing that. I'm asleep." So I'm just gonna tell a little lie, okay? Now, not a word to your mom about me getting canned.
Lois: What's that, Peter?
Peter: Uh, nothing. The lost-my-job smells great.
Lois: What?
Peter: Uh, Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?
Lois: Peter, are you feeling okay?
Peter: I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world.
Lois: All right, then let's eat. Now I know you all hate eggplant, but--
A laser shoots past Lois's head.
Lois: What on earth was that?
The family looks at Stewie, who's holding a sandwhich with a gun sticking out of it.
Stewie: What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish... and nothing else.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Shows Peter walking up to Brian, who's sitting on the front porch.
Brian: How's your job search going?
Peter: It sucks, Brian. I've already been through two jobs this week. I got fired off of that commercial.
Cuts to Peter in a bird outfit in front of a camera.
Director: Try it again.
Peter: I'm caca for Cuckoo Puffs.
Director: No, damn it! Take 26!
Cuts back to Peter talking to Brian.
Peter: Yeah, then I had that job as the sneeze guard for the salad bar at that restaurant.
Cuts to Peter in a security uniform standing next to the salad bar.
It shows an old lady about to sneeze.
Old Lady: aaa-- aaa-- aaa--
Peter puts his gun to the lady's head.
Peter: Take it outside, lady.
Cuts back to Peter talking to Brian.
Peter: Yeah, then I thought I could win some money in that talent show.
Cuts to a stage in a theatre.
Emcee: And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers!
Shows Peter in a Bavarian outfit, holding a tuba.
Peter: That is bull--
[Loud applause]
Cuts back to Peter talking to Brian.
Brian: Peter, I know it's a dangerous precedent, but you might want to just tell Lois the truth.
Peter: What? That I can't provide for my family? That she's always right? That I didn't really stand up to that tank in Tiananmen Square?
Cuts to three tanks rolling down Tainanmen Square.
Shows a chinese man pushing his hand forward in a signal to stop the tanks, with Peter nervously standing next to him.
Peter: Aw, screw this! I just came over to buy some fireworks!
Cuts back to Peter talking to Brian.
Brian: Peter, you can't keep lying to her about losing your job. Sooner or later, she'll find out where you're really going every day.
Peter: Oh, yeah.
Cuts to Lois watching TV and Peter standing in the corner like a lamp with lamp shade over his head.
[Bells and music on TV]
Cuts back to Peter talking to Brian.
Peter: Yeah, you're right. Okay, I'll tell her tonight.
Shows the outside of the house during the night and then cuts to the kitchen where Stewie is walking in.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Stewie flips into the middle of the kitchen, pulling out a grapnel and looking up at his mind-control device.
[Mellow instrumental music]
Stewie launches himself to the cupboard with the grapnel and grabs the mind-control device.
Stewie: Victory is mine!
The rope breaks and Stewie falls on the floor
Stewie: Aahh!
Lois: Peter, I'll need the checkbook in the morning. I'm going to Stop 'N Shop for some sweet corn.
Lois walks into the kitchen and turns on the light.
Peter: You're spending money on food again? Lois, we just had dinner.
Lois: Well you know, I enjoyed it so much, I thought we'd eat again tomorrow. Since when are you so concerned about our food budget?
Peter: Well, I just... Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but...
Lois: What is it, Peter?
Peter: I... uh... you're getting kind of fat.
Lois: What?
Peter: It's just... It's not healthy.
Lois: Peter, I do my Jane Fonda workout tape three times a week. When was the last time you saw your toes?
Peter: Gee, man, I thought you people were supposed to be jolly.
Lois: Peter, what the hell is the matter with you? Honey, you know, if there's something wrong, you can tell me.
Peter's angel pops up on his left shoulder.
Peter's Angel: Hey uh, sorry man. Am I late. What did I miss?
Peter: Thank God you're here. What do I do?
A devil pops up on the angel's right shoulder.
Peter's Angel's Devil: Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep.
Peter's Angel: Oh, I don't know.
Peter's angel looks to his left shoulder.
Peter's Angel: Hey, where's the other guy?
Cuts to Peter's Angel's angel stuck in traffic.
Peter's Angel's Angel: Ah, this is unbelievable!
Cuts back to Peter talking to Lois.
Peter: Lois, I promise you, everything's fine. You got nothing to worry about.
Stewie: Well, well, mother! We meet again!
Stewie aims the mind control device at Lois.
Lois: Stewie, I thought I tucked you an hour ago.
Stewie: Not tightly enough it would seem. And now you contempible harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny.
Lois: You can play with your toys tomorrow, honey. Right now it's bedtime.
Lois puts the mind-control device back into the cupboard and picks up Stewie.
Stewie: Oh, blast you and your estrogenical treachery!
Peter: Sweet dreams, kiddo.
Stewie: You have the power to end this!
Brian walks in and sits down with Peter at the kitchen table.
Brian: Hey, how'd she take it?
Peter: I told her she was fat.
Brian takes his newspaper and smacks Peter over the face with it.
Brian: No.
Brian smack Peter again with the newspaper.
Brian: No.
Peter: Look, I hate lying to Lois. It's just... It's the best way to keep her from knowing the truth.
Brian: Peter, you don't have a choice. Your unemployment is going to dry up soon. And she'll probably sense something's amiss when they repossess your house. You really oughta think of your family's welfare.
Peter: Jeez, Brian! That's a great idea!
Cuts to "Welfare Offices"
Welfare Employee: Okay, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies?
Peter: Uh... Oh, I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30.
Cuts to Peter sitting in a beanbag chair and reading a newspaper.
[Breaks wind]
Peter: What the hell was that?
Cuts scene ends.
Shows Peter running up to his kids on the front porch.
Peter: Guys, our money problems are over! We're officially on welfare. Come on kids, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn.
Brian: Uh, how much are we getting?
Peter: Let's see. $150 a week.
Meg: Wait. That's a comma, not a decimal.
[Uplifting instrumental music]
It shows a close up of the check, showing $150,000.
Peter: Whoops.
Shows Lois in the kitchen talking on the phone.
Lois: No, I haven't seen Peter all afternoon. I was giving a piano lesson.
Arrows fly by and hit the chair Lois is sitting in.
Lois: Stewie, why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie (with a crossbow): Why don't you burn in hell?
Lois: Well, no dessert for you, young man.
Shows Peter on the the corner of the street with Brian peeing on the fire hydrant.
Peter: Boy, who would've thought getting drunk at a stag party would get me $150,000 a week from the government?
Brian: This is why I don't vote.
Peter: Hey, maybe somebody down there was drinking, too.
Cuts to a press interview.
Reporter: Mr. President, why do you think the American public has continued to support you throughout these impeachment proceedings?
Bill Clinton (holding a martini): Probably because you're so fat.
The president laughs and moves his arms like legs on a bicycle
Cut scene ends.
Shows Brian talking to Peter.
Brian: Peter, you might want to call the Welfare Commission. That check is obviosly an oversight.
Peter: Well, not necessarily. Maybe I'm like their one millionth customer.
Brian (finishing peeing): What? You're gonna spend $150,000 a week?
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: On what?
Shows the family in the front of the house.
Lois: Oh, my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David?
Shows the Statue of David in front of them.
Peter: No, I just rented it. But they're gonna be ticked. The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car.
Peter holds up a long cement object and throws it."
Cuts away to Mr. Weed sitting in a chair with the cement penis breaking his window.
Mr. Weed: ***picking up the object*** I shall call you "Eduardo."
Cut scene ends
Goes back to the family staring at the statue.
Lois: Peter, how can we afford this?
Chris: You're not going to believe it, Mom! Dad's getting--
Peter: A big raise!
Lois: Peter, that's wonderful!
Chris: But, Dad, I thought--
Peter: The kind of a big raise that'll allow me to give my kids a big allowance just for keeping their big mouths shut. Come on, you guys. I'm going to buy us the most expensive meal we've ever had.
Shows the family at a fast food drive thru.
Peter: Yeah, I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, please.
Clerk: I beg your pardon?
Peter: ***pointing to Chicken Fajitas*** Uh, 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas.
Brian: And a "So-sage" McBiscuit please.
Shows the family on the house.
Lois: Peter, what's the big surprise?
Peter: Lois, you know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? Well, I got you your own jester.
Peter claps his hands and a jester walks in from the kitchen.
Jester: Hey guys, good to be here in New England. And what's the deal with "New" England anyway? It's over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new.
Shows a sign saying "Quahog Institute of Cosmetic Surgery", at the bottom saying "Because you're no prize".
Peter: Ha, this is great. I can finally afford to give my little girl the lips she's always dreamed of.
Meg: Thank you, Daddy!
Meg hugs Peter while showing her new, larger lips and kisses him on the cheek.
Lois: I don't know, Peter. Lips are one thing. But did you have to buy breast implants for Chris?
Peter: It makes him happy.
Chris walks into the room holding up two breast implants in his hands.
Chris: These are cool.
Shows Lois in the front of the house doing yardwork behind a stream of water.
Mailwoman: When did you guys get a pool?
Lois: Oh, it's a moat. I know it's silly, but my husband thinks our family needs extra protection now that... we're rich.
Mailwoman: Does it work?
Lois: Well, it does keep the Black Knight at bay.
Shows the Black Knight at the other side of the moat.
[Horse Sputtering]
Goes back to Lois talking to the Mailwoman.
Mailwoman: Well, congratulations in all your success. Here's your welfare check.
Lois: What the--
[Foghorn blowing]
Shows Peter in a small boat with Chris and Meg water skiing behind.
Peter: Hi, honey.
Lois gives back an angry stare.
Peter: What?
Shows Peter, Brian, and Lois in their expensive living room.
Peter: Lois, I know what I did was wrong. But I only did it for you and the kids. Except for the jukebox in the bathroom. That was a gift for Peter.
Lois: Yeah, from the American taxpayers. I am so mad I can't see straight.
Peter: Oh, no problem. We got the money to get that fixed... with enough left over for us to buy our way out of any trouble our kids might get into. Just like the Kennedy's.
Lois: You know, I feel like I don't even know you anymore, Peter. The man I marries would never think he could fix a problem just by spending money!
Peter: Boy, she's pretty pissed.
Brian: Yeah, who would have thought welfare fraud would be one of her buttons?
Peter: What's the point in having a jukebox in the john if your wife's mad at you?
Brian: Peter, you may have to return that money to the taxpayers.
Peter: Yeah, but I gotta make sure Lois knows I'm doing it. I need an event with thousands of people. Something that everybody cares about.
Peter thinks for a moment.
Peter: We might have to leave Rhode Island for this one.
Cuts to a football stadium.
John Madden: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight! Pat, I think it's safe to say that all these fans came out here to watch a game of football!
Pat Summerall: John, we're in commercial.
John: Yeah, I know. I'm just making conversation. Come on. ***waves his hands in Pat's face*** Football!
Shows a blimp flying over the stadium which says "Forgive me Lois".
Brian (in the blimp): Amazing. You can barely drive a car. And yet you were allowed to fly a blimp?
Peter (flying the blimp): Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South.
Peter grabs a huge sack of money.
Peter: Oh boy, I hope Lois is watching. Ok, taxpayer, here you go!
Peter begins throwing all of the money out of the blimp, into the stadium.
Pat: Looks like we're getting some rain here tonight, John.
John: Yeah. Hey, wait a second! This is no ordinary rain! It's some kind of crazy money rain!
Pat: I'm being told it's a man and his dog throwing cash out of a blimp.
Goes back to Peter and Brian.'
Peter: Oh, man. I hope this works. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to start dropping these.
Peter pulls out a spike ball that says "Forgive me Lois".
Shows the football field being rushed with people grabbing the money while the cheerleaders are doing flips and random people are fighting.
[People Cheering]
John: The crowd is storming the field! This is pandemonium! Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat? Pat?
Pat runs back to his chair with wads of cash sticking out of his jacket.
Pat: Just once. The 1975 Cotton Bowl. This is the old "trying to make amends for spending $150,000 a week in misappropriated welfare funds" play.
John: I don't care what it is! This guy's ruining a perfectly good game of football! Madden to Fox Security.
Fox Security: Go ahead.
John: Take them down!
Fox Security: Yes, sir.
One of the guards takes a gun hanging from the wall, under a sign that says "Just one gun". He fires 12 times at the blimp Peter is flying.
Shows Peter and Brian in a prison cell.
Brian: How was your shower?
Peter: Oh, I tell you Brian, all of the rumors about dropping the soap are true.
Brian: Really?
Peter: Oh yeah, you can't hold onto that thing to save your life. It was slipping all over the place. Guys were laughing.
Prisoner #1: Hey, there's the guy that couldn't hold onto the soap.
'Prisoner #2: Oh, that was classic.
Both prisoners start laughing.
Peter: Oh boy, I really let Lois down this time. Do you think she'll wait for me?
Brian: Oh come one, if every woman dumped her husband just for crashing a blimp into the Super Bowl, no one would be married.
Peter: Yeah, you're right. Okay, I got the top bunk.
Peter jumps onto the top bunk of the bed, forcing the top bunk to fall onto Brian.
Shows the rest of the family in the kitchen.
Meg: Oh, the rest of my collagen is wearing off.
Lois: Well honey, sagging lips are just nature's way of telling you you shouldn't have covered for your father's lie.
Chris: What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears?
Lois: It means you're becoming a man. But hopefully not the kind who stayed out all day and doesn't call... like your father who shall remain nameless.
Stewie: Hello, Mother.
Lois: Well hi there, sweetie.
Stewie: You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates.
Stewie pulls out a box.
Stewie: You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!
Stewie opens the box, revealing 6 grenades.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Stewie: Now, I offer you one last chance for deliverance. Return my mind-control device or be destroyed.
Lois: Oh, you just want your toy back. Okay, here you go, honey.
Lois places the mind-control device on the box of grenades.
Stewie: Yes... Well, victory is mine!
Stewie runs into the living room and the grenades blow up on him.
Stewie: Ah, damn you all!
[Phone ringing]
Lois picks up the kitchen phone.
Lois: Hello? Oh, my God!
Shows Peter's family walking into the courthouse and sitting down.
Peter: Lois, ah man, am I glad to see you.
Lois: I have nothing to say to you, Peter.
Peter: I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed?
Lois: Peter, you lied to me, you betrayed my trust. Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter.
Peter: Really? Aw, let's hope the judge feels that way.
Lois: Ugh.
Judge: This court will come to order.
The judge bangs his gavel and it shows Peter up on the stand.
Peter: Well, you know, I figured the sooner I cashed the check, the sooner they'd catch their mistake. Look, why are we making a federal case out of this?
Judge: Mr. Griffin, don't you think you should have alerted the government of such a gross overpayment?
Peter: Well, I was gonna call them. But my favorite episode of "Different Strokes" was on. You know, the one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the guy who owns the bike shop?
Cuts to a bike shop with an old guy bent over in front of Arnold and Dudley.
Bike Shop Owner: All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass.
Cut scene ends
Goes back to Peter on the stand.
Peter: And everybody learns a valuable lesson.
Judge: Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson?
Peter: Oh yeah. Stay the hell away from that bike shop.
[People murmuring]
Peter: Okay, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did. I just... I don't know. I just saw one chance I'd ever have to give my family the things they deserve. I guess I screwed it up. I cheated the government. And worst of all, I lied to my wife. And she deserves better. I'm sorry, honey.
Judge: Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
The judge bangs his gavel.
Lois: Oh, no!
Brian: Oh, no!
Chris: Oh, no!
Meg: Oh, no!
Kool Aid Man bursts through the wall.
[Rock music]
Kool Aid Man: Oh, yeah!
Everyone stares blankly at Kool Aid Man.
[Rock music stops abruptly]
Kool Aid Man slowly walks out through the hole he created in the wall.
Lois: Excuse me, Your Honor?
Judge: Yes?
Lois: Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times. And he may even be downright stupid. But I know he only accepted that money because he wanted to be a good husband and father. But what he needs to remember is that we love him. And no matter what, I'll always stand by him.
Peter: I love you too, honey.
Judge: That was very moving Mrs. Griffin. Okay, you can go to jail with him!
Lois: What?
Stewie: 24 months in prison? Unacceptable! Intolerable as it may be, I'm completely dependant upon those wretched drones for sustenance. Let us see how the constitution of American justice fares against against the device!
Stewie pulls out his mind-control device and points it straight in the judge's direction.
[Device pulsates]
Judge: Is that your boy?
Peter: What? Oh uh, yeah. That's Stewie.
Judge: Gosh. I can't seperate a kid that young from his father. It's unjudgemently. Aw hell, you've learned your lesson, right?
Peter: Yeah.
Judge: All right. You're off the hook.
Peter: Oh, wow! Can you give me my job back?
Judge: No.
Stewie points the mind-control device at the judge.
Judge: Yes.
Peter: All right!
[Cheery instrumental music]
Shows everyone in the living room watching "Bloopers".
[Man laughing on TV]
Cuts to the TV:
Ed: That was a crazy one, Dick.
Dick: It sure was, Ed. In this next blooper from Joanie Loves Chachi, watch what happens when Scott Baio tries to say: "She sells seashells down by the seashore."
Bloopers shows clip from "Joanie Loves Chachi".
Erin: What does your mom do for a living?
Scott: She sells seashells down by the--
A bear jumps through the wall and attacks Scott Baio.
Cut scene ends.
Peter: That is kind of a tongue twister.
Lois: It's good to have you home Peter.
Peter: Ah, honey, I knew everything would turn out okay.
Meg: I sure am gonna miss being rich.
Peter: Oh, don't worry. I got a way to get money.
Brian: Not another welfare scam?
Peter: No, no, no. Minority scholorship.
Peter puts on an afro wig.
[Giggles]
The frame freezes as Peter winks while giving a thumbs up sign. The credits begin rolling.
[Jazzy instrumental music]
Lois and Brian: No.
Stewie: Are you insane?
Peter: Okay, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit.
Peter puts on a blonde wig and rips the front of his shirt.
[Giggles]
Brian: No.
Lois: I don't think so.
Stewie: Absolutely outrageous.
Peter: Uh, okay, disability claim.
Peter pulls out a baseball bat and hits himself over the face, instantly knocking himself out.
Family Guy Credits roll