Family Guy Fun
 

Something, Something, Something, Dark Side



MAN ON TV: We now return
to Aaron Sorkin 's new show, The Kitchen.
- Where's the milk? No milk?
- We're out. No.
Walk with me.
I want you to get some milk.
- Where? Now?
- At the store. Right now.
- Any store? Bloomie's?
- Any store. Is that a joke?
- What do you think?
- I think we need milk.
I think you're right.
You know, I never
get tired of hearing that.
- Should I go get the milk?
- Go get the milk.
(ALL GROANING)
Looks like the power's out again.
What, are we in Iraq?
This happens entirely too often.
Can we tell stories till it comes back on?
Yeah, Dad. Remember the last time you
told us the story of Star Wars?
Maybe you could tell us another one.
Well, all right.
This is the story of Black Snake Moan.
Once upon a time, Christina Ricci was
all tied up for some reason...
I'm already bored and confused.
Yeah, Dad. Isn't there another story like
Star Wars you could tell us?
There just might be, Chris.
There just might be.
(STAR WARS THEME PLAYING)
CHORUS: (SINGING) His boy Elroy
(MIMICKING PROBE DROID)
Echo 3 to Echo 7.
Han, old buddy, you read me?
Luke, I thought we talked about
this. I changed my code name.
Right. Sorry.
Echo 3 to Carlos Spicy Wiener.
Carlos Spicy Wiener here. Go ahead.
There's a meteorite
that hit the ground near here.
I'm gonna go check it out. Won't take long.
Okay, but be careful.
There's some snow monsters out there.
Relax, Han, I'll be careful...
(SCREAMING)
Cookie!
Hey, you guys, I hate to do this
to you, but I gotta get out of here.
Hey, what's that
on your jacket? Is that the Purina logo?
- No, it's just a patch.
- I like it.
- Thank you.
- I lied. It's lame.
I won't miss you.
Han, wait.
I thought you said you were gonna stay.
Sorry, I can't.
But I'll give you my email address.
It's HanSolo64@CompuServe.com.
- Comp...
- Yes, CompuServe.
But you can't leave now.
You're a natural leader and we...
Hey. Did you guys order some ice?
'Cause I got a bag of ice here.
Thought you might need some ice.
Yes, there is a lot
of ice around here. We get it.
We're having a conversation here.
Hey. I thought
you guys might need some ice.
SOLDIER: What? Why would I need ice?
We're surrounded by...
(LAUGHING) Oh! What a day brightener.
Han, we need you.
- Oh, really? "We" or "I"?
- What do you mean?
You don't want me to leave
because of the way you feel about me.
I bet you're afraid I'm gonna
leave without giving you a goodbye kiss.
Ugh! I'd rather kiss George Takei.
Hello.
(CHUCKLING)
Man, it's cold in here.
Beep-boop-beep. I like all these
electrical wires just nailed to the ice.
That's probably pretty safe, right?
Captain Solo, have you seen Master Luke?
'Cause no one knows where he is.
What? Well, that doesn't sound good.
All right, I'm gonna go out
and look for him. I'll take my Don Don.
Well, I can't go outside. It's cold out there.
You can't go out there
in this weather. Your Don Don will freeze.
Then I'll see you in hell!
SOLDIER: Wait, Han. You'll need this.
- What?
- (SNICKERING) Bag of ice.
You knucklehead.
Get out of here, but know I love you.
(GRUNTS)
Damn these stubby arms!
Well, this is no better.
(SCREAMING)
(GASPS)
Me was going to ask you
to snow monster ball, but now forget it!
(SOBBING)
OBI-WAN: Luke. Luke,
pull your pants down.
Ben?
You look awful cold.
Why don't I get you
a nice hot bowl of Zima soup?
Ben.
Luke.
You will go to the Dagobah system and
learn the ways of the Force from Yoda.
Ben.
- Luke!
- Ben!
Hang on, kid.
Yoda. Dagobah system.
Zima soup. Yoda. Dagobah.
Last time I was in a Dago bar
I was drinking a beer in Little Italy.
Go on, get out of here!
Well, I can't stand
this cold anymore. I'm gonna die.
Oh!
Well, it's probably for the best.
There are way too many
elderly comedians out here in the snow.
This may smell bad, kid,
but it'll keep you warm.
(SIGHS)
I thought they smelled bad
(GASPING)
on the outside.
Captain Solo, do you copy?
This is Overweight Pilot Number One.
Commander Skywalker, do you copy?
HAN: Who are you looking for?
Captain Solo, there you are!
I'm sorry, I didn't copy that.
Who are you looking for?
Carlos Spicy Wiener, do you copy?
Carlos Spicy Wiener here, go ahead.
They found us, kid.
We're going back to base.
Just as soon as I grab some powder
with these skiing young people.
(JUICY FRUIT THEME PLAYING)
MAN: (SINGING) Get your skis shined up
Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit
The taste is gonna move ya
Take a sniff
Pull it out
The taste is gonna move ya
when you pop it in your mouth
Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya
It chews so soft, it gets right to ya
Juicy Fruit
The taste, the taste, the taste
is gonna move ya
How you doing, kid?
You look strong enough
to pull the ears off Jennifer Garner.
Thanks to you.
Well, your managed-to-keep-me-around-
a-little-longerness,
it looks like you managed
to keep me around a little longer.
I assure you, I had nothing to do with it.
Yeah, right.
I think you just can't stand
to let a fat guy like me out of your sight.
Why, you stuck up,
half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder!
You can't use that word!
Only we can use that word!
(GASPS) The boss is coming. Look busy.
- Lot of Empire stuff to do.
- Empire stuff.
- Getting Empire stuff done.
- Busy with Empire stuff.
- Yes, this is good Empire stuff.
- This Empire stuff looks good.
Yes, I think we're done
with this Empire stuff.
Hey, dudes, what you looking at?
We think we found something.
(PROBE DROID CHATTERING)
That's it. The Rebels are there.
My lord, there are so many
uncharted settlements.
It could be a phony! A big, fat phony!
What'd them Rebels do anyways?
- You know your friend Alan?
- Yeah, I like Alan.
- They took his dog.
- (GASPS) They took Zeus? Oh, no!
- Central Command to Jeffrey.
- Jeffrey here.
- Jeffrey, them Rebels took Zeus.
- That's Alan 's dog.
- I know.
- Oh, no!
I know.
Set your course for the Hoth system.
Hey, take care of yourself, Chewie.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
What's this handshake business, huh?
Come here. Come on.
Come on, bring it in. Come on. Come on.
I'm not really a hug person.
Knock it off. Come here. Come on, bring it.
Yeah, yeah. Hug it out, bitch.
Hug it out, yeah.
Spray that hug all over me.
What's wrong with you?
What? I just wanna share
my throbbing emotions
and shoot hot hug all over you.
I don't get why that's a problem.
Hey, Luke. Take care of yourself, okay?
You, too.
Hey, what'd you end up doing
with that dog we kidnapped?
I killed it and ate it!
- Yeah! Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Rebels! Rebels!
- Rebels!
- Empire sucks!
- Rebels!
- Rebels! Yeah!
- Yeah, Rebels! Yeah.
Lord Vader,
we've entered the Hoth system,
but the Rebels have put up
an energy shield blocking our entry.
What are we gonna do now, buddy?
Admiral Ozzel came out
of light speed too quickly.
(CHUCKLING) Yeah. I had that problem
with a chick the other night.
Okay, gross. I'm gonna
turn around and take care of this other guy.
Lord Vader, we're out of light speed and...
(CHOKING)
You have failed me
for the last time, Admiral.
Didn't know I could choke you
through the TV, did you?
Well, I can.
Captain Piett, you're in charge now.
Don't fail me, Admiral Piett.
A promotion? Really?
Can I get business cards
that say "Admiral"?
That's not in the budget. You know,
we're trying to catch Rebels here.
I don't even have business cards.
None of us do.
- Do you have business cards?
- Yeah.
You have business cards?
You're a stormtrooper.
There's like a million of you.
What do you need business cards for?
Well, they're for my cookie business.
I don't want... Oh, my God.
(CHUCKLING) That chocolate chip cookie
looks like the Death Star.
May I have everyone's attention please?
We're evacuating into outer space,
with literally
infinite directions in which to flee.
However, we have decided
that our transports
will travel directly toward
the fleet of Star Destroyers.
- Any questions?
- Yeah.
Is there someone from the military
we can talk to? A man, perhaps?
Sir, Rebel ships are coming into our sector.
Good. Our first catch of the day.
(SCOFFS) Like you know how to fish.
Prepare to fire giant boob-nipple gun.
(CHUCKLING)
Feeling okay, sir?
Just like new. How about you, Dack?
I feel like I could take on
the whole Empire myself.
Really? 'Cause that would be awesome.
Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got this one.
(ALL CHEERING)
You know it, bitches!
Hey, Imperial fleet,
get ready to suck some Dack!
- I think we're doomed.
- Nah.
Unless they've got any big, giant
robot camels, I think we're okay.
Jim, robot camels.
Check it out, that one's wearing Crocs.
(MEN SCREAMING)
Echo Station 5-7, we are on our way.
REBEL LEADER: Great. We'll see you in...
(GUN FIRING)
Echo Station 5-8, we are on our way.
Hurry!
Yes, Lord Vader,
their shield will be down in moments.
You may start your landing.
Excellent. We'll prepare for our descent.
Hey. Hey, Consuela, no cleaning.
No cleaning while I'm doing
the hologram... Shut that off!
Mr. Darth, you no have
no more Windex on Star Destroyer.
Well, that's not my problem.
Why donít you go out and buy some?
No. No, you buy.
What if I give you the money,
then you can go out and buy it?
No.
(EXCLAIMING)
(GROANING)
Crap! I'm hit!
(GASPS)
FEMALE VOICE: On Star.
What is the nature of your emergency?
Yeah, I just got laser torpedoed
by an Imperial walker
and I need roadside assistance.
Of course, sir.
Am I speaking with Admiral Ackbar?
Yeah. Yes. Yes, I'm Admiral Ackbar.
(HOARSELY) It's a trap.
(SLURRING) I love you guys.
We had a great summer.
Han! What are you still doing here?
Well, I just realized that my spaceship
works better when I have the keys.
Duh!
MAN ON PA: Imperial troops have entered
the base. Imperial troops have...
(FEEDBACK)
Sorry, I dropped the thing.
Imperial troops have entered the base.
(GASPS) Oh, my God, it's pregnant.
We're in a war. We're in a war.
I want the princess captured immediately.
Geez, Gordon, maybe today wasn't the day
to wear your mesh stormtrooper shirt.
Sorry, it's just...
I'm going out dancing after work tonight.
Oh, my God, I can't remember
the last time I went out dancing.
I think it was Memorial Day,
like, two years ago.
No, you know what? It was four years ago.
You know how long it was?
It was on Alderaan.
That's how long ago it was.
Are those guys getting away?
We should probably get those guys.
Those other guys will get them.
So, what else?
This bucket of bolts
is never gonna get us past that blockade.
This bucket's got a few surprises
left in her.
Plus, me and Chewie are on it.
Ain't that right, Chewie?
- Hell, yeah. You my nerf herder.
- You my nerf herder.
All right, Chewie, punch it.
Thank God that hot chick is gone.
Now I can let loose my Darth farts.
(FARTS)
(AIR HISSING)
(FARTS)
(AIR HISSING)
Artoo, get her ready for takeoff.
You may not remember,
but I told you last week
I got my niece's recital today.
(VIOLIN PLAYING OFF-KEY)
- We gotta sit through this whole thing?
- It's not that much longer.
She's number seven
and there's, like, 18 people.
Relax, man.
I mean,
as long as she knows you were here...
Look, this is happening,
so just come to peace with it.
Hey, this ain't the way
to the rendezvous point.
We're not meeting up with the others.
We're going to the Dagobah system.
Hi. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Hi, yeah, do you know
how to get to the Dagobah system?
Yeah, actually
we're headed there now. You can follow us.
Okay, great.
Annoying question. We have to get gas,
would you mind pulling off
and waiting for us while we do that?
(GROANS)
Thank you so much.
(SIGHING)
Han, look!
HAN: Crap, there's two more of them
dead ahead.
It's all right,
I think I can outmaneuver them.
JOHN BUNNELL: This Rebel lawbreaker
thinks he can outrun the Empire.
The pursuing officers
realize he's entered a residential area.
They give him a wide berth,
but they don 't let him out of their sight.
Astonishingly, the driver makes a left,
right into an asteroid field.
What are you doing? You're not actually
going into an asteroid field.
Well, it's either that
or go into the strawberry fields.
Hey, you know what
I'm getting into? Is one-legged chicks.
Yeah, Paul,
what's your new wife's name? Peg?
That'll be enough of that, lad.
How about Eileen?
Ringo got it.
Sir, the odds of successfully
navigating an asteroid field are two to one.
Never tell me the...
Actually, that's not bad.
Yeah. No, let's keep going.
Look at that one! Look at that one there!
Look at that other one!
(SCREAMING)
We're gonna get pulverized out here!
Look, we got four or five
of the main characters on this ship.
I think we'll be fine.
There, that looks good.
Doesn't that pie look good?
Too bad we can't get at it.
It's in space, and we're in here.
Otherwise, I'd be eating it right now.
All right, let's park right there in that cave.
What are you doing? You can't park there.
- You're not handicapped.
- I have vertigo.
It's a real medical condition.
I'm just going on record
as saying I'm not comfortable with this.
I hope you know what you're doing.
I've just found
that Leia's constant questioning of me
has not been productive
to the atmosphere of the ship.
And I think that she just
needs to get some respect for herself.
Artoo, wake up, we're here.
Put your shoes on.
You better hurry up and land.
The last half hour,
I've been having all pee dreams.
All the scopes are dead! I can't see a thing!
Sorry, that's me.
I was still using an electronic device.
Okay, that's much better.
Now I can see the swamp... The swamp!
Swamp crashes.
They can land you knee-deep in trouble.
But the "good hands" people at Allstate will
make sure you have a soft landing.
Professional service.
Non-threatening black spokesperson.
That's Allstate's stand.
Thank God for these airbags.
You okay back there?
I'm okay, but the midget
inside me's got a head concussion.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Artoo?
Artoo!
(ARTOO SCREAMING)
Artoo, are you okay?
I think so. Boy, who knows
what else is in this swamp?
SUPER FRIENDS ANNOUNCER:
Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom!
- Not now!
- Okay.
(EERIE SILENCE)
(CAWING)
YODA: Hey, who the hell are you?
What the hell is that creepy little thing?
Well, I'm not Yoda.
Okay, I'm Yoda.
You're Yoda?
You're the one
that Obi-Wan sent me here to find.
Will you teach me the ways of the Force?
No, I will not teach you
the ways of the Force.
Okay, I'll teach you the ways of the Force.
But if you want to become a Jedi,
first I gotta ask you something.
Did you see Van Wilder?
Yeah, I saw it on Comedy Central.
No! No, no, no, no, no!
We got a lot of training to do.
I'm asking, did you see
the DVD frat house edition
with all the uncensored footage
and the interview with Ryan Reynolds?
No.
Well, that's all part
of mastering the Force, man.
It starts with
checking out sweet-ass DVD releases,
like Iron Man, directed by Jon Favreau.
Yeah, he puts himself
in his own movies, but you don't mind
'cause he seems like the kind of guy
who'd help you move if you asked him.
I'm glad you're here.
Look, I pulled this all apart,
and it looks like
you're gonna need a new condenser.
Really? A new condenser?
Yeah, and I would also highly recommend
a complete flush
of your photon conversion system.
I swear I just did that.
Okay, well, how about this?
Do you want me to just go ahead
and do that
while I'm replacing the new condenser?
I think I'd like to call my husband.
Look, how about this?
You buy the condenser,
and I'll make out with you.
(EXCLAIMS)
I'm gonna kiss you so hard,
the picture's gonna change
into something else.
Look, this isn't Windex
but it's just as good. It's the store brand.
- No. No. It leave a film.
- I'm okay with the film. Just use it.
- No. No. I no can clean.
- Shit.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Hello?
- Mr. Darth Vader...
Yes, sir. Quiet, quiet. It's the Emperor.
- It's the Emperor.
- Tell him I no can do Friday.
- Okay. Okay, okay. Sir... Yeah.
- My apartment need water.
- No, no. No.
- He need to get it fixed.
(STUTTERING) Hello? I can't hear you.
I'm going to the knee pad.
I'm gonna call you from the knee pad.
What is thy bidding, my master?
Hey, I'm downloading
all my music to my iPod
'cause I'm getting rid of my CDs.
Do you have any desire for
Natalie Merchant's Tigerlily?
No.
- Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill?
- No.
You sure? This thing was unstoppable.
This was the soundtrack to my '95.
- To my '95 and my '96, actually.
- No, thank you.
- Richard Marx, Hold On To The Night?
- (EXCITEDLY) Yes!
(STUTTERING) I mean... Yeah, no...
I mean, if you're giving stuff away,
yeah, sure.
All right, listen.
It turns out
Anakin Skywalker's son is still alive.
I'm gonna need you
to find him and turn him.
Really? Maybe I can make him go bi,
but all the way is gonna be tough.
No, I mean, turn him to the dark side.
Well, yeah, I thought that's what you...
- Oh, of the Force.
- Yes.
I'll get him over to the dark side.
I'll just show him our recruiting video.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Thanks to the training
I received in the Empire,
I have all the skills I need
to make it in the real world.
The Empire GI Bill
helped me finish school. Hey, wait up!
And I met my wife in the service.
We had our honeymoon on Alderaan.
WOMAN: Good thing
we took pictures, huh?
(LAUGHING)
RECRUITMENT ANNOUNCER:
The Empire, chasing Rebel scum,
killing Luke's aunt and uncle,
telling people to move along.
The Empire, our ships are big triangles.
That's good. Stretch it out, stretch it out
because we're gonna start the training.
I'm ready, Master Yoda.
I'm ready to become a Jedi.
All right, kid, let's do it.
(ROCKY IV THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(INAUDIBLE)
You know, I'm up for this,
but it kind of feels
like the dark side has a better gym than us.
(DISTANT EXPLOSIONS)
(SCREAMS)
There's something out there.
Hmm?
- There's something out there.
- Where?
Out there, in the cave!
(LAUGHS) Crazy women,
always hearing things.
- There's something out there.
- Let's go check it out.
What's all this slime on the floor?
Yeah. It feels like we're
in Rod Stewart's stomach.
Wait a minute.
Hang on a second.
What's going on here?
Something doesn't add up.
Just a minute.
Time out.
This ain't quite right.
Now I get it. We should go.
Hang on, sweetheart. We're taking off.
LEIA: The cave is collapsing!
- This is no cave.
- What?
How come I never get
any lines in these things?
PETER: Shut up, Meg.
All right. Let's take a break.
Your back's getting all sweaty.
Sorry. Does that.
All right.
Now, let's go over what we've learned.
- Naked chicks. Best?
- Rebecca De Mornay in Risky Business.
- Good. Worst?
- Kathy Bates in About Schmidt.
Correct. I also would've accepted
the rotting old woman in The Shining,
but Kathy Bates is probably worse.
Best scene in Teen Wolf?
When Michael J. Fox is in the bathroom,
turning into a werewolf for the first time
and his dad's
knocking on the door and he is freaking out
and he opens the door
and his dad's a werewolf, too.
Gold star.
I would've also accepted the scene
at the end, at the basketball game,
where the guy
in the crowd has his dick out.
- What?
- Yeah, there's a guy at the end.
Go online. Look it up.
He's in the stands, way in the background,
and he's totally got his dick out.
What's in there? It feels cold.
That place is strong with the dark side.
But it's very confusing
and it stops the movie dead.
I'm going in there anyway.
(GASPS)
You know, I guess we should take
advantage of this very rare opportunity.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO)
BOTH: (SINGING) You and I will settle down
In a cottage built for two
Dear little buttercup
Sweet little buttercup
My little buttercup
I love you
- I hate these hats.
- Yes, sir.
DARTH VADER: Okay,
nice bounty hunter turnout today.
Let's see, we got Robot Guy,
Old Timey Deep Sea Diver Looking Guy,
Lizard Guy, who I think
I saw get in a fight with Captain Kirk,
Boba Fett, of course,
thanks for coming, and...
What are you supposed to be?
Raggedy Andy.
Get the fuck out
of my bounty hunter meeting.
Okay, get ready to go to light speed.
One, two, three.
(ENGINE STALLING)
(SINGING MOCKINGLY)
Whanh! Whanh! Whanh! Whanh!
Crap.
No light speed?
No light speed.
I got an idea. Chewie, turn us around.
You're gonna attack them?
(MIMICKING) "You're gonna attack them?"
That's how you sound.
(SQUEAKILY) "You're gonna attack them?"
Imagine listening to that all day.
They're moving into attack position.
Good. Put the shields up.
Oh, my God! You have cake?
Where'd you get cake?
It was Jim's birthday,
but I think it's all gone.
Track them.
They may come around for another attack.
Captain, the ship
no longer appears on our scopes.
They can't have disappeared.
No ship that small has a cloaking device.
Captain, Lord Vader demands an update
on the pursuit of the Millennium Falcon.
(STUTTERING) Tell him...
Tell him we blew it up.
He's not on hold and he just heard you.
DARTH VADER: Yeah, I just heard you.
(CHOKING)
This is insane, Han!
They're gonna find us here.
Yeah, and even if they don't,
where are we gonna hide out after this?
Hey, what about Lando?
The Lando system?
Lando's not a system. He's a black guy.
In fact, I think he might be
the only black guy in the galaxy.
(CHUCKLES) Let's hope, right?
ALL: Whoa!
(CLANKING)
All right, the fleet's breaking up.
Chewie, get ready
to release the landing claw
and we'll float away
with their garbage. Release!
Look at that. Space bums.
Let's be thankful
for what we have, everyone.
Be thankful for what we have.
(THUD)
Oh, my God, I hit a space bum!
Chewie, go, go, go, go!
All right, concentrate.
What do you see?
I see a woman draining your bank account
and running off with a real estate agent.
That is a bitch you see.
And I see my friends.
They're in trouble! I gotta save them!
Wait, wait, wait. Luke, that's a stupid idea.
You're not done with all your Force stuff.
And besides, you can't fight Vader.
Only an experienced Jedi
could fight Vader.
Well, why don't you go?
Yeah, you're probably ready to fight Vader.
That boy was our last hope.
No, there is another.
I know. I have the Force, too, you know.
I don't have a landing permit.
I'm trying to reach Lando Calrissian.
What the hell's he firing at me for?
- I told you not to shoot.
- Well, you're not in charge. I am.
- Well, I'm steering.
- No, I'm steering.
- No, I am.
- I have a steering wheel.
- So do I. There's two.
- Well, that's stupid.
- I know.
- I know, too. That's why I said it.
- Oh! We lost them.
- This is going in my report.
No, it's going in my report.
- (LAUGHING) Lando!
- Hey, Han, you crazy old bastard.
Hey, let me introduce everybody.
You remember Chewbacca.
And this is my special friend, Leia.
And that's Sarge over there.
You don't know my name, do you?
You never bothered to learn it.
What are you talking about?
We've been through
all kinds of space adventures together.
Of course I know you, slugger.
- Yeah, sure. Nice to meet you. I'm C-3PO.
- C-3PO, yeah.
I was just gonna introduce you, C-3PO.
Why didn't you let me, C-3PO?
Maybe we should go inside.
Yeah, let's get inside, C-3PO.
You ever been to Cloud City, C-3PO?
J.Crew outlet store.
Oh, my God! Awesome!
Space summer is right around the corner.
Oh, my God. What happened?
I got into a slap fight with a prep droid
over a pair of cargo shorts.
Are you guys all ready for dinner?
I don't know,
the time change is really hitting me.
I might just stay in the room
and watch bad TV.
Geez, it's only like two hours earlier
on Hoth. What's the big deal?
I'm having my period, okay?
Please come in.
I have nothing to say to Lando.
Okay, the door's gonna open
and you guys say, "Freeze,"
and point your guns at them.
Or, you know... Or should it just be me?
Yeah, you know what?
I think that'll be better.
Get out. Go, go, go. It's just me.
I wasn't ready. Hi!
(EXCLAIMS)
(SINGING) Wonder Woman
(JEERING ) Look,
the Giant Chicken's Boba Fett.
DARTH VADER: Very well, Solo,
if you won't talk,
we have very effective means of torture.
Whoa! Well, I don't want to be tortured.
All right, Luke's on Dagobah,
there's a Rebel base on Kashyyyk,
and I'm the one
who clogged the toilet on the 16th floor.
That was disgusting!
You know, because of that, I had to use
the little pig people's bathroom.
All right, start the torture.
(WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS
GONE PLAYING)
WOMAN: (SINGING)
Where have all the cowboys gone?
(SHOUTING IN DISGUST)
Shut it off. Shut it off!
(HAN SCREAMING)
HAN: Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
DARTH VADER: This facility
should be adequate
to freeze Skywalker
for his trip to the Emperor.
We'll test it on Captain Solo.
And as long as we're freezing things,
why don't you toss this ice cube tray
full of orange juice in there?
And be careful with the toothpicks.
Lando, Lando. Lando!
Be careful with the toothpicks.
Chewie, you have to take care
of the princess while I'm gone.
Take care of her?
- You mean like...
- No. What?
No. Just make sure she stays safe.
Okay. That'll be fun for me.
I love you.
Fuck off.
(AMERICAN IDOL THEME PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your lightsaber battle.
The Force is with you, young Skywalker.
But you are not a Jedi yet.
You're getting there.
You're getting there, though.
I can defeat you, Vader. You'll see.
Okay, so, no cutting off body parts.
Let's make that a rule.
No below the belt,
if you know what I'm saying.
And you know what?
How about no name calling?
You know, let's not have
one of those kinds of lightsaber battles.
Car. Car coming!
We're clear.
(BEEPING)
Nice work, fellas! And, David,
you sold the most magazine subscriptions,
so you get to invite
four of your friends to a pizza party.
Hurray!
- Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold.
- Duh!
Oh, no. We've lost Han.
They're taking him to Jabba's palace.
Well, even though
we know exactly where he's going,
we should rescue him in three years.
(GASPING) Oh, God. Oh, my God.
I would give my right hand
for this day to just end.
Oh, no. Damn it.
They changed the security code.
Let me see
if I can do something about that.
Hey, baby.
You're gonna let us through, ain't you?
Yeah, that's right.
You know that feels good.
FEMALE VOICE: Oh, God!
Nobody's touched me like that for so long.
(MOANING EXCITEDLY)
- Oh, no! I think I hear my husband.
- Honey, I'm home.
(SHOUTING) What the hell is this?
Who's he?
Thank God you're home, honey.
He tried to rape me.
Oh, that's bullshit.
You get out of our home!
Oh, man.
How am I supposed to run with this?
Have we ever hit anybody with these guns?
I hit a bird once.
(LIGHTSABERS HUMMING)
(GRUNTING)
Come on, Luke,
join the dark side. It's really cool.
Well, who's in it?
Me, the Emperor, this guy Scott.
You'll meet him, he's awesome.
And James Caan.
I'll be your friend
if you let me kick your ass.
I'll never join the dark side. Never!
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
MAN: Hey, a hand.
There is no escape.
Don't make me destroy you.
- Join me, Luke.
- I'll never join you.
Obi-Wan never told you
what happened to your father.
He told me you killed him.
No, I... Hang on.
Spoiler alert.
Okay. No, I am your father.
Well, that's fine,
but I don't see how that affects...
What?
Join me and we can rule the galaxy
as father and son!
You know? I mean, it doesn't have to be
as father and son, it can just be as,
you know, as two really close guys
who just happen to be men, you know?
Just two good-looking guys
sharing a cramped office,
running the galaxy together, you know?
Just getting the job done, you know?
Maybe we...
Maybe we'd do it occasionally,
but it's not weird, you know,
'cause we're just two guys
with raging goals, you know?
I mean, it's not even about
the doing it part,
but that's a part of it,
but it's not the whole thing.
(SCREAMING)
Hey, did you see a hand come down here?
No.
(LUKE SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
Ben. Ben.
Leia. Leia.
Tom Selleck.
Leia.
Luke. Turn the ship around.
I know where Luke is.
What, are you out of your mind?
What about those fighters?
I said turn us around!
WOMAN: (SINGING) Turn the ship around
Leia knows where Luke is
Turn it upside down
Take it back to Bespin
Is that him?
LEIA: I don't know.
Luke, if that's you, wave your right hand!
No, your right hand.
LUKE: It's me, you fuckers!
- Luke.
- Yeah.
- Luke?
- Yeah?
- Wait. Luke Skywalker?
- Yeah.
Oh, my God! This is so stupid,
I was trying to call Luke Adams.
His number is right next to yours
in my helmet.
So, how's everything been going
since our fight?
It's good.
And, you know,
the offer's still open for the whole
"two dudes running the galaxy" plan.
Yeah, listen, I gotta go.
Sure, sure, you're busy. It's okay.
All right. Well, I'll talk to you
later, Luke Skywalker, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Prepare to lock the tractor beam
onto the Millennium Falcon.
All right, Chewie, punch it!
Oh, man. All right,
someone's getting choked over this.
Who was in charge of the tractor beam?
That was me.
Oh, yeah? Well...
You have failed me for the last time.
- I can still breathe just fine.
- I know.
- You're choking my...
- Yup. 'Cause I'm upset with you.
For the tractor beam thing.
Don't worry, we'll find Jabba the Hutt
and that bounty hunter,
and we'll get Han back.
Why are you wearing Han's clothes?
Seriously, watch the actual movie.
Lando is wearing Han's clothes
in this scene. It's really weird.
Take care, you two.
May the Force be with you.
CHEWIE: There he goes with that crap
again. Keep it in church, man.
All right. Is this thing good to go?
Yeah, but practice on a hot dog first.
Otherwise you might rip your dick off.
ARTOO: Someday, I'm gonna buy my moms
a place with a view like this.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
Wait a minute. This is how it ends?
There's so many questions
left unanswered.
Are you Luke Skywalker?
- Yeah.
- I've got something for you.
A letter.
"Dear Luke, if my calculations are correct,
"you should receive this letter at the exact
moment the DeLorean vanished.
"I have been living happily
for the past six months in the year 1885.
"The lightning bolt that..."
(GASPS) 1885! The doc's alive!
I mean, he's in the Old West,
but he's alive!
The end.
(ALL CHEERING)
Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one.
Actually, I think they did a pretty good job
of that already, Dad.
Well, I'll have to take your word for it.
I don't watch Comedy Central.
It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad.
I'm pretty sure you know that.
I don't know that.
I haven't seen that show in a while
and I don't know that anyone else has.
I think plenty of people have.
Their fans are pretty loyal to them.
Oh, yeah? All 42 of them?
(SIGHS) I'm not gonna let you get to me
this time, Dad.
I'm not gonna let you get to me.
Well, maybe I got time
for another story then.
It's called Without A Paddle.
Fuck you, Dad!



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